how to destroy the planet: a technical overview

[jrtom]

Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.

You've seen the action movies where the bad guy threatens to destroy the Earth. You've heard people on the news claiming that the next nuclear war or cutting down rainforests or persisting in releasing hideous quantities of pollution into the atmosphere threatens to end the world.

Fools.

The Earth was built to last. It is a 4,550,000,000-year-old, 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000-tonne ball of iron. It has taken more devastating asteroid hits in its lifetime than you've had hot dinners, and lo, it still orbits merrily. So my first piece of advice to you, dear would-be Earth-destroyer, is: do NOT think this will be easy.

This is not a guide for wusses whose aim is merely to wipe out humanity. I can in no way guarantee the complete extinction of the human race via any of these methods, real or imaginary. Humanity is wily and resourceful, and many of the methods outlined below will take many years to even become available, let alone implement, by which time mankind may well have spread to other planets; indeed, other star systems. If total human genocide is your ultimate goal, you are reading the wrong document. There are far more efficient ways of doing this, many which are available and feasible RIGHT NOW. Nor is this a guide for those wanting to annihilate everything from single-celled life upwards, render Earth uninhabitable or simply conquer it. These are trivial goals in comparison.

This is a guide for those who do not want the Earth to be there anymore.

fdmts, this made me think of you. Think big!

Comments

Hey now...

[fdmts.livejournal.com]

I would settle for giving the reptiles another go at it.

Though, I'm flattered to come to mind when such things are discussed. ;)

Re: Hey now...

[jrtom.livejournal.com]

It wasn't that I thought you wanted to volatilize the planet, so much as that I associate with you a willingness to tackle the tough problems. (I fondly remember the conversation (although not, sadly, the details) that we had a while back on the subject of your plans for world domination. How's that going, anyway?)

World domination.

[fdmts.livejournal.com]

Still stealing underpants.

Phase two will commence soon.

Re: World domination.

[jrtom.livejournal.com]

Dude. I know that you're a traditionalist, but I told you before: if you want this to happen, you're going to have to move away from the "personalized attention" model and buy stock in underwear companies.

Re: World domination.

[hypgnosis.livejournal.com]

I and my wallet would like to get in on Phase three. Call me. :-)

Re: World domination.

[jrtom.livejournal.com]

This is on the theory that any such plan that involves underpant theft in phase 1 is one you want to, um, get behind?

Re: World domination.

[hypgnosis.livejournal.com]

Briefly, yes. :-) :-)

Call me a cheeky lunatic, but I just worship the moon. :-)

Re: World domination.

[jrtom.livejournal.com]

So how do you think that you can be an asset to fdmts's plans? (And are you aware of what could happen if you get in arrears?)

Re: World domination.

[hypgnosis.livejournal.com]

I'll be able to catch and rectify his mistakes, because I'm anal. And if I fall behind? Well, if I bottom out, I'll just get assistance from Ms. Callie Pidgin (who taught her ___ to talk). However, that shouldn't happen; I should be able to take care of things myself, no ifs, ands or . . .

Re: World domination.

[jrtom.livejournal.com]

Wow, you've got a lot of guts, to make such sweeping assertions which seem fundamentally unsupported. Asinine, quite. (If you want it to be a '10', you'll need to work out more.)

Re: Gluteus minimus

[hypgnosis.livejournal.com]

It's true: I find the lack in my pants disturbing. There's a lot of sans in my culottes. I keep eating rump roast, butt-nothing happens. However, I already knew I had to buy a new one, since mine has a hole in it.

Re: Gluteus minimus

[jrtom.livejournal.com]

*shakes head*
As if...at least you understand why you're the butt of so many jokes, though.
*reconsiders; shakes money-maker*